|2020-06-19 - 2020-07-15|
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
|2020-05-16 - 2020-06-19|
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
|2020-05-05 - 2020-05-16|
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
|2020-03-21 - 2020-05-05|
|2019-09-25 - 2020-03-21|
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
|2015-01-24 - 2020-02-17|
|2020-02-01 - 2020-02-11|
Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.
|2019-12-08 - 2020-02-01|
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
|2019-11-19 - 2019-12-08|
Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.
|2019-09-12 - 2019-09-24|
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
|2019-09-06 - 2019-09-12|
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
|2015-10-15 - 2019-09-06|
In ten years will we still be on IRC?
|2016-11-11 - 2019-08-31|
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
|2015-08-11 - 2019-08-22|
Treat all creatures as kin, they are part of the same Creation that Created you.
|2016-10-27 - 2019-08-06|
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
|2019-02-07 - 2019-03-25|
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
|2016-06-11 - 2019-02-07|
95% of guys masturbate...the other 5% lie.
|2016-12-07 - 2018-10-27|
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
|2015-06-15 - 2018-10-21|
No man knows less than the man who knows it all
|2017-02-07 - 2018-10-19|
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
|2018-10-01 - 2018-10-07|
One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
|2018-09-29 - 2018-10-01|
When our outgo exceeds our income, our upkeep becomes our downfall.
|2018-09-23 - 2018-09-29|
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time
|2018-09-11 - 2018-09-23|
You'd be like this, too, if they dropped a house on your sister!
|2017-05-07 - 2018-09-11|
Been there. Done that. Went back for more.
|2018-09-01 - 2018-09-03|
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people!
|2016-03-29 - 2018-09-01|
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS!!!
|2018-08-27 - 2018-08-29|
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
|2018-08-25 - 2018-08-27|
Everyone has 20/20 hindsight
|2016-08-11 - 2018-08-25|
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
|2018-08-21 - 2018-08-23|
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
|2018-08-19 - 2018-08-21|
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
|2018-08-05 - 2018-08-19|
Nature and Books belong to the eyes that see them.
|2016-11-01 - 2018-08-05|
Work is for people who don't SURF THE NET
|2018-07-29 - 2018-08-03|
Power interrupts. Uninterruptable power interrupts absolutely.
|2016-10-15 - 2018-07-29|
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
|2017-01-01 - 2018-07-27|
A fool and his money are soon partying.
|2016-05-25 - 2018-07-23|
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls of, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
|2018-07-01 - 2018-07-03|
That which does not kill me... makes me meaner!
|2018-06-27 - 2018-06-29|
If you can laugh at it then you can live with it
|2016-08-03 - 2018-06-27|
|2015-08-07 - 2018-06-25|
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
|2015-12-13 - 2018-06-23|
We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings.
|2014-12-22 - 2018-06-21|
Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once.
|2016-09-21 - 2018-06-15|
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
|2018-05-25 - 2018-05-29|
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
|2018-05-15 - 2018-05-25|
Life's too short to argue, I'm ALWAYS right!
|2018-05-09 - 2018-05-15|
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
|2017-02-27 - 2018-05-09|
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
|2016-09-27 - 2018-05-07|
Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
|2018-04-23 - 2018-04-27|
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
|2018-04-15 - 2018-04-23|
A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor
|2018-04-13 - 2018-04-15|
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
|2016-09-25 - 2018-04-13|
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
|2018-04-03 - 2018-04-05|
Stay away from prunes.
|2017-01-05 - 2018-04-03|
The reason some people are alive is simply because it's against the law to kill them.
|2018-03-13 - 2018-03-27|
He who throws mud loses ground
|2016-10-05 - 2018-03-13|
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
|2018-03-05 - 2018-03-09|
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
|2015-06-05 - 2018-03-05|
You can't direct the wind but you can adjust your sails
|2016-04-21 - 2018-03-03|
The only evidence against evolution are its opponents.
|2017-11-19 - 2018-02-22|
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
|2017-12-23 - 2018-02-21|
I support publik edjicashun
|2017-02-03 - 2018-02-17|
Smile, it takes only 13 muscles; A frown takes 64
|2015-07-07 - 2018-02-13|
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
|2018-02-09 - 2018-02-11|
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself."
|2016-07-21 - 2018-02-07|
Meetings. The practical alternative to work.
|2017-02-11 - 2018-02-05|
Hope is the denial of Reality
|2018-01-27 - 2018-02-01|
Too many of us speak twice before we think
|2018-01-23 - 2018-01-27|
Proudly marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish
|2018-01-11 - 2018-01-23|
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
|2017-12-29 - 2018-01-11|
My life may be weird, but at least it's not boring!
|2017-04-27 - 2017-12-29|
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
|2016-03-21 - 2017-11-19|
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
|2017-09-23 - 2017-11-13|
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.
|2017-11-05 - 2017-11-07|
A hard thing about business is minding your own
|2017-10-15 - 2017-11-05|
A quitter never wins, and a winner never quits
|2016-08-23 - 2017-10-15|
System analysis is the process of finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw
|2017-10-05 - 2017-10-07|
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
|2017-10-03 - 2017-10-05|
Women....like not only to conquer, but like to be conquered.
|2016-06-23 - 2017-10-03|
Feed your faith and doubt will starve to death
|2017-09-21 - 2017-09-23|
So many books...So little time.
|2017-09-19 - 2017-09-21|
Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress.
|2016-11-21 - 2017-09-19|
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it!
|2016-03-10 - 2017-09-05|
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
|2015-10-11 - 2017-08-19|
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
|2017-08-09 - 2017-08-11|
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
|2017-08-07 - 2017-08-09|
Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
|2014-12-23 - 2017-08-07|
Not everything that can be counted counts; and not everything that counts can be counted." --A. Einstein
|2015-06-21 - 2017-08-03|
Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.
|2015-01-21 - 2017-07-13|
The obvious is always least understood
|2017-06-13 - 2017-06-17|
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
|2016-10-17 - 2017-06-13|
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.
|2016-09-23 - 2017-06-11|
Does time really move or do we just grow old from the earth's gravity pull?
|2015-05-27 - 2017-05-27|
Never trust a proctologist with both hands on your shoulders.
|2017-05-23 - 2017-05-25|
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
|2015-06-29 - 2017-05-23|
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
|2017-05-15 - 2017-05-19|
Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
|2017-05-05 - 2017-05-07|
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
|2017-05-05 (11:39:08 - 13:39:05)|
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
|2017-04-25 - 2017-04-27|
I didn't do it. You can't prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying!
|2016-07-23 - 2017-04-25|
The best vitamin for making friends, B-1
|2017-04-21 - 2017-04-23|
The computer revolution is over - the computers won!
|2017-04-17 - 2017-04-21|
There is no right way to do a wrong thing
|2017-04-15 - 2017-04-17|
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
|2017-04-13 - 2017-04-15|
I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with $35.00
|2017-04-09 - 2017-04-11|
Anger is one letter short of danger, Greatest remedy for anger is delay
|2017-04-07 - 2017-04-09|
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
|2015-07-19 - 2017-04-07|
Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine!
|2017-04-01 - 2017-04-03|
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
|2017-03-23 - 2017-04-01|
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
|2017-03-17 - 2017-03-21|
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
|2015-03-29 - 2017-03-17|
Practice Safe Housing - Use Condos
|2016-05-19 - 2017-03-15|
Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to read?
|2017-03-11 - 2017-03-13|
The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.
|2017-03-09 - 2017-03-11|
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
|2017-02-23 - 2017-02-25|
In a world of glamour, simple things will stand out.
|2017-02-21 - 2017-02-23|
Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes.
|2017-02-19 - 2017-02-21|
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
|2017-02-15 - 2017-02-19|
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
|2017-02-13 - 2017-02-15|
Caution is not cowardly. Carelessness is not courage
|2017-02-09 - 2017-02-11|
Old hippies never die, They just go undercover.
|2015-01-15 - 2017-02-07|
Flirtation, attention without intention.
|2016-09-11 - 2017-02-03|
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is bad for you!
|2017-01-29 - 2017-02-01|
It's a control freak thing. I won't let you understand!
|2015-11-01 - 2017-01-29|
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
|2017-01-25 - 2017-01-27|
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
|2017-01-23 - 2017-01-25|
Better a bad smell for a moment, than a long belly-ache!
|2017-01-21 - 2017-01-23|
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
|2017-01-19 - 2017-01-21|
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
|2017-01-17 - 2017-01-19|
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
|2017-01-11 - 2017-01-15|
Always proofread. You might have something out.
|2015-03-15 - 2017-01-14|
The best love affairs are those we never had.
|2017-01-09 - 2017-01-11|
Stay is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary.
|2015-11-13 - 2017-01-09|
A small leak can sink a great ship
|2017-01-03 - 2017-01-05|
A bad conscience has a very good memory
|2016-12-29 - 2017-01-01|
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
|2016-12-27 - 2016-12-29|
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.
|2016-12-23 - 2016-12-27|
One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak.
|2016-12-21 - 2016-12-23|
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
|2016-12-17 - 2016-12-19|
Where there's a whip, there's a way
|2016-12-15 - 2016-12-17|
Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself.
|2016-12-13 - 2016-12-15|
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT - Can't remember why...
|2016-12-11 - 2016-12-13|
If the going gets easy you may be going downhill
|2016-12-09 - 2016-12-11|
The greatest of all faults is to imagine you have none
|2016-12-05 - 2016-12-07|
Start each day with expectations, they could be true by nightfall.
|2016-11-29 - 2016-12-03|
Live forever. Or die trying.
|2016-01-09 - 2016-11-29|
True love is like a ghost; everyone talks of it, few have seen it.
|2016-11-23 - 2016-11-25|
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct
|2016-11-19 - 2016-11-21|
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest with a sharp knife.
|2016-11-17 - 2016-11-19|
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you find a rock.
|2016-11-13 - 2016-11-17|
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
|2016-11-09 - 2016-11-11|
When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it is a pretty certain sign that she has his.
|2015-01-17 - 2016-11-09|
I wish a robot would be elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
|2016-11-05 - 2016-11-07|
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.
|2015-01-19 - 2016-11-05|
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
|2016-03-25 - 2016-10-27|
Love can only be debased in the eyes of others.
|2016-10-23 - 2016-10-25|
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
|2016-10-19 - 2016-10-23|
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
|2016-10-13 - 2016-10-15|
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
|2016-10-11 - 2016-10-13|
My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT!
|2016-10-09 - 2016-10-11|
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through...
|2016-10-07 - 2016-10-09|
If you can't say something nice about someone you're probably not alone.
|2015-04-29 - 2016-10-05|
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
|2016-10-01 - 2016-10-03|
Four space stations were lost and they still funded a fifth? Only on TV - Babylon 5
|2016-09-29 - 2016-10-01|
An atheistic, dyslexic, insomniac is a guy who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG.
|2015-05-21 - 2016-09-21|
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
|2015-01-13 - 2016-09-17|
My kid sells term papers to your honor student
|2016-09-09 - 2016-09-11|
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.
|2016-08-17 - 2016-09-09|
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
|2016-09-03 - 2016-09-07|
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget, but there is something left in my head.......
|2016-09-01 - 2016-09-03|
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
|2016-08-29 - 2016-09-01|
No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try. (Yoda)
|2016-08-25 - 2016-08-29|
Birds have bills too, and they keep on singing
|2015-08-23 - 2016-08-23|
If it isn't fattening, it isn't food!
|2016-08-19 - 2016-08-21|
Is life real or a dream? or both?
|2016-08-15 - 2016-08-17|
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
|2016-08-13 - 2016-08-15|
A man's best friends are his ten fingers.
|2016-08-05 - 2016-08-09|
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
|2016-07-25 - 2016-08-03|
Learn from your parents' mistakes, USE BIRTH CONTROL
|2015-04-15 - 2016-07-21|
Warning:IRC May Cause BlLlilNlDlNlElSlS!
|2016-07-09 - 2016-07-17|
A Journey of 1,000 miles begins with a call to your auto club.
|2016-07-07 - 2016-07-09|
Patience is something admired in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead of you.
|2016-07-05 - 2016-07-07|
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
|2016-07-03 - 2016-07-05|
If you don't know what procrastination is just look up the definition tomorrow.
|2016-06-25 - 2016-07-03|
Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground.
|2015-09-29 - 2016-06-23|
A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice
|2015-01-01 - 2016-06-21|
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
|2016-06-13 - 2016-06-19|
Triumph is just "umph" added to "try"
|2016-06-05 - 2016-06-11|
There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.
|2016-06-03 - 2016-06-05|
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
|2016-05-01 - 2016-05-13|
Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image
|2016-04-29 - 2016-05-01|
All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
|2016-04-27 - 2016-04-29|
Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You're Sorry.
|2016-04-15 - 2016-04-21|
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
|2015-10-05 - 2016-04-15|
He who hesitates is probably right.
|2016-04-09 - 2016-04-11|
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
|2016-04-07 - 2016-04-09|
Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
|2016-04-05 - 2016-04-07|
Make friends before you need them
|2016-03-27 - 2016-03-29|
Genius is one percent inspiration, and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
|2016-03-23 - 2016-03-25|
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
|2016-03-15 - 2016-03-19|
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
|2016-03-11 - 2016-03-15|
He who dies with the most toys, still dies.
|2016-02-19 - 2016-03-10|
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
|2016-01-29 - 2016-02-18|
It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it
|2016-02-17 (13:39:58 - 13:39:58)|
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
|2016-01-07 - 2016-01-31|
A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks
|2016-01-25 - 2016-01-29|
Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem?
|2016-01-17 - 2016-01-21|
There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't.
|2015-06-11 - 2016-01-07|
I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.
|2015-12-29 - 2016-01-05|
Velveeta cheese has so many preservatives that it doesn't have a shelf life...it has a half life!
|2015-01-11 - 2015-12-29|
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
|2015-12-07 - 2015-12-13|
The heart has it's reasons which reason does not understand.
|2015-12-03 - 2015-12-07|
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
|2015-11-29 - 2015-12-03|
A job worth doing is worth obsessing over.
|2015-11-17 - 2015-11-29|
It's not an optical illusion it just looks like one.
|2015-11-07 - 2015-11-13|
WARNING! Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!
|2015-10-29 - 2015-11-01|
Computers are Sexual beings!! They'll screw you every time!!
|2015-10-21 - 2015-10-29|
Opportunities are often lost because they are not recognized.
|2015-10-19 - 2015-10-21|
Heaviest thing to carry - a grudge
|2015-04-21 - 2015-10-11|
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
|2015-01-27 - 2015-10-09|
Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.
|2015-10-01 - 2015-10-05|
Treat this earth gently, future generations have to share it too.
|2015-09-27 - 2015-09-29|
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
|2015-04-07 - 2015-09-27|
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it
|2015-09-17 - 2015-09-19|
It's obvious you won't survive by your wits alone.
|2014-12-25 - 2015-09-17|
Too err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
|2015-08-29 - 2015-09-15|
You'll see it when you believe it.
|2015-08-27 - 2015-08-29|
Success is...more attitude than aptitude
|2015-08-21 - 2015-08-23|
Death Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee
|2015-08-13 - 2015-08-21|
He who is not busy being born is busy dying.
|2015-08-05 - 2015-08-07|
To love is human, to hate, is being less than an animal.
|2015-08-01 - 2015-08-05|
If we can put a man on the moon, why not all of them?
|2015-07-29 - 2015-08-01|
A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of java and a good book. Ah paradise!
|2015-07-27 - 2015-07-29|
Blood is thicker than water. And much tastier.
|2015-07-23 - 2015-07-27|
Persistence is the hard work that you do after you are tired of doing the hard work you already did
|2015-07-21 - 2015-07-23|
Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.
|2015-07-15 - 2015-07-19|
Lost time is never found again
|2015-07-13 - 2015-07-15|
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said: The whole time.
|2015-07-09 - 2015-07-13|
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
|2015-07-05 - 2015-07-07|
The thought of heaven couldn't drag me from the path when I'm wandering here alone.
|2015-06-23 - 2015-06-29|
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
|2015-06-19 - 2015-06-21|
I know that you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and deformed?
|2015-06-13 - 2015-06-15|
The Road to Enlightenment is Long and Difficult. Bring Snacks and a Book to read.
|2015-06-03 - 2015-06-05|
Believe the best of yourself, others see you as a mirror.
|2015-05-17 - 2015-05-21|
From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king.
|2015-05-09 - 2015-05-17|
Ambition is an excuse for not haven enough sense to be lazy.
|2015-04-13 - 2015-04-15|
The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a life time
|2015-04-09 - 2015-04-13|
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
|2015-03-27 - 2015-03-29|
Support the Math Illiteracy Tax - Buy Lottery Tickets
|2015-03-25 - 2015-03-27|
To appreciate nature, is to believe in the miracle of Creation.
|2015-02-17 - 2015-03-15|
I have always thought Klingons would be all right with some GOOD stress reduction therapy!
|2015-01-29 - 2015-02-17|
I yell because I care.
|2015-01-23 - 2015-01-27|
One who lacks courage to start has already finished
|2015-01-07 - 2015-01-11|
Sometimes I think well. And sometimes I think: Oh well...
|2015-01-05 - 2015-01-07|
For every action, there is an equal but opposing Government program.
|2014-12-27 - 2015-01-01|
The meek shall inherit the Earth. The rest of us are going to the stars!