2017-01-29 - 2024-03-28 |
It's a control freak thing. I won't let you understand! |
|
2015-01-23 - 2024-03-27 |
One who lacks courage to start has already finished |
|
2016-10-05 - 2024-03-25 |
Indecision is the key to flexibility. |
|
2016-12-21 - 2024-03-23 |
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you. |
|
2024-03-20 - 2024-03-21 |
Courtship - A man pursuing a woman until she catches him. |
|
2018-08-05 - 2024-03-19 |
Nature and Books belong to the eyes that see them. |
|
2024-03-16 - 2024-03-17 |
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. |
|
2020-12-02 - 2024-03-15 |
We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced or laughed at least once. |
|
2015-12-07 - 2024-03-13 |
The heart has it's reasons which reason does not understand. |
|
2018-04-03 - 2024-03-11 |
Stay away from prunes. |
|
2018-04-13 - 2024-03-09 |
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
|
2022-11-08 - 2024-03-07 |
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. |
|
2024-03-04 - 2024-03-05 |
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? |
|
2024-03-02 - 2024-03-03 |
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves |
|
2022-07-06 - 2024-03-01 |
Frogs have it easy, they can eat what bugs them |
|
2016-09-23 - 2024-02-27 |
Does time really move or do we just grow old from the earth's gravity pull? |
|
2016-09-03 - 2024-02-25 |
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget, but there is something left in my head....... |
|
2024-02-22 - 2024-02-23 |
Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand. |
|
2024-02-20 - 2024-02-21 |
Did you know that Friday the 13th comes on a Tuesday this month? |
|
2016-12-07 - 2024-02-19 |
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? |
|
2022-09-26 - 2024-02-17 |
We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. |
|
2016-07-23 - 2024-02-15 |
The best vitamin for making friends, B-1 |
|
2020-10-30 - 2024-02-13 |
Hookt On Fonicks Werked Four Me! |
|
2015-07-09 - 2024-02-11 |
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager. |
|
2023-09-10 - 2024-02-09 |
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. |
|
2024-02-06 - 2024-02-07 |
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. |
|
2017-05-07 - 2024-02-05 |
Been there. Done that. Went back for more. |
|
2022-09-28 - 2024-02-03 |
My ex gave me a reason to live -- I want Revenge! |
|
2016-07-07 - 2024-02-01 |
Patience is something admired in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead of you. |
|
2024-01-28 - 2024-01-29 |
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? |
|
2018-03-13 - 2024-01-27 |
He who throws mud loses ground |
|
2017-04-09 - 2024-01-25 |
Anger is one letter short of danger, Greatest remedy for anger is delay |
|
2023-11-18 - 2024-01-23 |
Live as you wish your kids would |
|
2015-07-27 - 2024-01-21 |
Blood is thicker than water. And much tastier. |
|
2024-01-18 - 2024-01-19 |
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. |
|
2024-01-16 - 2024-01-17 |
Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough |
|
2024-01-14 - 2024-01-15 |
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. |
|
2022-06-22 - 2024-01-13 |
To know yourself, is to know your place in this universe. |
|
2015-09-29 - 2024-01-11 |
A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice |
|
2023-12-20 - 2023-12-25 |
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. |
|
2015-01-27 - 2023-12-19 |
Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage. |
|
2023-12-16 - 2023-12-17 |
Reality is the Anchovy on the Pizza of Life |
|
2015-10-21 - 2023-12-15 |
Opportunities are often lost because they are not recognized. |
|
2017-01-19 - 2023-12-13 |
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. |
|
2023-12-10 - 2023-12-11 |
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. |
|
2023-12-08 - 2023-12-09 |
The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant. |
|
2021-07-04 - 2023-12-07 |
I am the one your parents warned you about. |
|
2023-12-04 - 2023-12-05 |
I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do? |
|
2016-10-07 - 2023-12-03 |
If you can't say something nice about someone you're probably not alone. |
|
2016-01-25 - 2023-12-01 |
Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem? |
|
2023-11-28 - 2023-11-29 |
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. |
|
2016-12-27 - 2023-11-27 |
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. |
|
2023-09-08 - 2023-11-25 |
Do not force your view on others, their views are as true as yours are. |
|
2023-11-22 - 2023-11-23 |
Optimists may say the glass is half-full, and pessimists may say the glass is half-empty. Well, I say the glass is too damn big! |
|
2023-11-16 - 2023-11-17 |
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. |
|
2016-10-11 - 2023-11-15 |
My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT! |
|
2016-11-05 - 2023-11-13 |
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. |
|
2023-11-10 - 2023-11-11 |
Now Accepting Compliments |
|
2017-11-19 - 2023-11-09 |
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? |
|
2015-06-23 - 2023-11-07 |
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. |
|
2023-11-04 - 2023-11-05 |
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. |
|
2017-04-07 - 2023-11-03 |
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying. |
|
2017-03-11 - 2023-11-01 |
The easiest way to refold a road map is differently. |
|
2018-07-29 - 2023-10-29 |
Power interrupts. Uninterruptable power interrupts absolutely. |
|
2018-09-23 - 2023-10-27 |
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time |
|
2017-04-27 - 2023-10-25 |
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply |
|
2023-10-22 - 2023-10-23 |
If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy? |
|
2015-06-19 - 2023-10-21 |
I know that you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and deformed? |
|
2015-06-13 - 2023-10-19 |
The Road to Enlightenment is Long and Difficult. Bring Snacks and a Book to read. |
|
2017-03-23 - 2023-10-17 |
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. |
|
2018-01-23 - 2023-10-15 |
Proudly marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish |
|
2018-05-25 - 2023-10-13 |
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
|
2023-10-10 - 2023-10-11 |
Oh, no! I turned out just like my mother! |
|
2022-06-06 - 2023-10-09 |
Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers |
|
2022-06-24 - 2023-10-07 |
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. |
|
2023-10-04 - 2023-10-05 |
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. |
|
2023-10-02 - 2023-10-03 |
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. |
|
2023-09-28 - 2023-09-29 |
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to me. |
|
2017-02-13 - 2023-09-27 |
Caution is not cowardly. Carelessness is not courage |
|
2015-06-15 - 2023-09-25 |
No man knows less than the man who knows it all |
|
2023-09-22 - 2023-09-23 |
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often |
|
2023-09-20 - 2023-09-21 |
"Normal" is a setting on my washing machine. |
|
2015-10-01 - 2023-09-17 |
Treat this earth gently, future generations have to share it too. |
|
2016-01-29 - 2023-09-15 |
It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it |
|
2021-05-30 - 2023-09-13 |
Red meat isn't bad for you; fuzzy blue-green meat is. |
|
2016-06-03 - 2023-09-07 |
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. |
|
2023-09-04 - 2023-09-05 |
Now that I have it all, can I give some of it back? |
|
2016-10-17 - 2023-09-03 |
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet. |
|
2023-08-26 - 2023-08-27 |
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. |
|
2017-10-15 - 2023-08-25 |
A quitter never wins, and a winner never quits |
|
2023-08-22 - 2023-08-23 |
If I had know I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. |
|
2022-05-12 - 2023-01-20 |
Before you criticize a man, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes. |
|
2016-04-27 - 2023-01-19 |
Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You're Sorry. |
|
2015-12-29 - 2023-01-17 |
Velveeta cheese has so many preservatives that it doesn't have a shelf life...it has a half life! |
|
2016-03-10 - 2023-01-15 |
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. |
|
2016-05-25 - 2022-12-29 |
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls of, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. |
|
2016-03-27 - 2022-12-27 |
Genius is one percent inspiration, and ninety-nine percent perspiration. |
|
2016-06-11 - 2022-12-25 |
95% of guys masturbate...the other 5% lie. |
|
2015-06-11 - 2022-12-19 |
I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired. |
|
2022-12-16 - 2022-12-17 |
Discretion is the better part of velour. |
|
2022-12-14 - 2022-12-15 |
An angry Dragon may eat you, but an angry Woman is truly dangerous |
|
2016-10-27 - 2022-12-11 |
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. |
|
2018-09-11 - 2022-12-09 |
You'd be like this, too, if they dropped a house on your sister! |
|
2022-11-30 - 2022-12-07 |
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down. |
|
2016-07-03 - 2022-11-29 |
If you don't know what procrastination is just look up the definition tomorrow. |
|
2015-08-23 - 2022-11-27 |
If it isn't fattening, it isn't food! |
|
2022-11-24 - 2022-11-25 |
I've always wanted to be somebody. Next time I'll be more specific. |
|
2018-01-27 - 2022-11-23 |
Too many of us speak twice before we think |
|
2022-11-20 - 2022-11-21 |
A job worth doing is worth complaining about. |
|
2022-11-16 - 2022-11-17 |
Mixed emotions: When your mother-in-law drives your new car over the cliff. |
|
2017-02-11 - 2022-11-15 |
Hope is the denial of Reality |
|
2022-11-12 - 2022-11-13 |
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. - Ashleigh Brilliant |
|
2016-04-29 - 2022-11-11 |
All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. |
|
2022-11-06 - 2022-11-07 |
I feel like a new man. Do you have one I could use? |
|
2018-09-29 - 2022-11-05 |
When our outgo exceeds our income, our upkeep becomes our downfall. |
|
2015-09-27 - 2022-11-03 |
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction. |
|
2020-11-28 - 2022-11-01 |
If you don't care where you're going any road will get you there |
|
2015-06-03 - 2022-10-29 |
Believe the best of yourself, others see you as a mirror. |
|
2016-08-29 - 2022-10-27 |
No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try. (Yoda) |
|
2022-10-24 - 2022-10-25 |
Life is: trying things to see if they work |
|
2022-10-20 - 2022-10-21 |
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. |
|
2022-10-18 - 2022-10-19 |
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. |
|
2015-08-11 - 2022-10-17 |
Treat all creatures as kin, they are part of the same Creation that Created you. |
|
2015-07-07 - 2022-10-15 |
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? |
|
2016-04-05 - 2022-10-13 |
Make friends before you need them |
|
2022-10-10 - 2022-10-11 |
Ideas won't work unless you do |
|
2022-10-08 - 2022-10-09 |
Things always look better when you can't see them. |
|
2022-10-06 - 2022-10-07 |
There are two ways to be rich --, make more or need less. |
|
2022-10-04 - 2022-10-05 |
I'm not young enough to know everything. |
|
2017-09-21 - 2022-10-03 |
So many books...So little time. |
|
2022-05-20 - 2022-10-01 |
Life is uncertain, eat dessert first. |
|
2016-11-23 - 2022-09-25 |
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct |
|
2022-09-22 - 2022-09-23 |
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. |
|
2016-08-05 - 2022-09-21 |
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. |
|
2018-06-27 - 2022-09-19 |
If you can laugh at it then you can live with it |
|
2017-02-07 - 2022-09-17 |
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. |
|
2015-07-19 - 2022-09-15 |
Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine! |
|
2022-09-12 - 2022-09-13 |
There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway. |
|
2015-06-29 - 2022-09-09 |
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. |
|
2016-09-21 - 2022-09-07 |
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. |
|
2016-11-09 - 2022-09-05 |
When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it is a pretty certain sign that she has his. |
|
2022-08-30 - 2022-09-01 |
If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch. |
|
2016-02-17 - 2022-08-29 |
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. |
|
2016-03-25 - 2022-08-27 |
Love can only be debased in the eyes of others. |
|
2015-04-21 - 2022-08-25 |
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. |
|
2022-05-30 - 2022-08-23 |
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. |
|
2017-02-27 - 2022-08-21 |
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. |
|
2022-08-18 - 2022-08-19 |
Drive defensively. Buy a tank. |
|
2022-08-16 - 2022-08-17 |
Don't count your chickens before they cross the road. |
|
2015-11-01 - 2022-08-09 |
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. |
|
2022-08-06 - 2022-08-07 |
Money is a good servant but it is a cruel master |
|
2022-08-04 - 2022-08-05 |
A trial of being old is this: remembering which thing one has said into which young ears. (Yoda) |
|
2022-08-02 - 2022-08-03 |
When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope |
|
2016-10-19 - 2022-08-01 |
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. |
|
2016-08-15 - 2022-07-29 |
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? |
|
2015-02-17 - 2022-07-27 |
I have always thought Klingons would be all right with some GOOD stress reduction therapy! |
|
2016-09-01 - 2022-07-25 |
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. |
|
2017-12-23 - 2022-07-23 |
I support publik edjicashun |
|
2022-07-18 - 2022-07-19 |
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. |
|
2016-12-05 - 2022-07-15 |
Start each day with expectations, they could be true by nightfall. |
|
2016-06-05 - 2022-07-11 |
There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly. |
|
2021-07-14 - 2022-07-09 |
Break a bad habit - drop it |
|
2015-04-15 - 2022-07-05 |
Warning:IRC May Cause BlLlilNlDlNlElSlS! |
|
2015-01-24 - 2022-06-20 |
|
|
2022-06-16 - 2022-06-17 |
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. |
|
2022-06-14 - 2022-06-15 |
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. |
|
2022-06-12 - 2022-06-13 |
If I were a cat, my curiosity would have killed me 10 times by now! |
|
2021-05-21 - 2022-06-09 |
If You Are Looking' For Someone With A Great Personality, Get A Dog! |
|
2015-08-21 - 2022-06-05 |
Death Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee |
|
2022-06-02 - 2022-06-03 |
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. |
|
2015-11-07 - 2022-05-27 |
WARNING! Dates in calendar are closer than they appear! |
|
2022-05-24 - 2022-05-25 |
The future is purchased by the present |
|
2016-10-01 - 2022-05-19 |
Four space stations were lost and they still funded a fifth? Only on TV - Babylon 5 |
|
2017-02-21 - 2022-05-17 |
Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes. |
|
2015-01-05 - 2022-05-15 |
For every action, there is an equal but opposing Government program. |
|
2016-07-21 - 2022-05-11 |
Meetings. The practical alternative to work. |
|
2017-10-03 - 2022-05-09 |
Women....like not only to conquer, but like to be conquered. |
|
2022-05-06 - 2022-05-07 |
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that. |
|
2022-05-02 - 2022-05-03 |
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts |
|
2016-11-29 - 2022-05-01 |
Live forever. Or die trying. |
|
2022-04-28 - 2022-04-29 |
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way |
|
2017-02-03 - 2022-04-27 |
Smile, it takes only 13 muscles; A frown takes 64 |
|
2016-11-17 - 2022-04-23 |
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you find a rock. |
|
2017-01-17 - 2021-08-13 |
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. |
|
2016-10-13 - 2021-07-28 |
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
|
2016-01-09 - 2021-07-27 |
True love is like a ghost; everyone talks of it, few have seen it. |
|
2021-07-24 - 2021-07-25 |
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. |
|
2016-06-13 - 2021-07-23 |
Triumph is just "umph" added to "try" |
|
2020-11-16 - 2021-07-19 |
Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids |
|
2015-04-09 - 2021-07-17 |
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. |
|
2021-07-12 - 2021-07-13 |
Having a sharp tongue will cut your throat |
|
2014-12-22 - 2021-07-09 |
Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once. |
|
2017-04-13 - 2021-07-07 |
I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with $35.00 |
|
2021-07-02 - 2021-07-03 |
So many men, so little reason to sleep with any of them |
|
2016-03-29 - 2021-06-13 |
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS!!! |
|
2021-06-08 - 2021-06-09 |
Jumping to conclusions can be a bad exercise |
|
2017-12-29 - 2021-06-03 |
My life may be weird, but at least it's not boring! |
|
2015-05-21 - 2021-05-27 |
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. |
|
2021-05-22 - 2021-05-23 |
You can't have everything, where would you put it? |
|
2020-12-12 - 2020-12-14 |
Of all the things you wear, your expression is most important |
|
2020-12-06 - 2020-12-07 |
You lose it if you talk about it. |
|
2015-11-17 - 2020-12-05 |
It's not an optical illusion it just looks like one. |
|
2020-11-30 - 2020-12-01 |
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. |
|
2020-11-26 - 2020-11-27 |
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you. |
|
2016-08-03 - 2020-11-25 |
Abolish mornings! |
|
2017-05-23 - 2020-11-21 |
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. |
|
2020-11-06 - 2020-11-15 |
Our favorite attitude should be gratitude |
|
2020-11-12 - 2020-11-13 |
Any religion comforts a soul somewhere. |
|
2017-04-01 - 2020-11-11 |
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
|
2018-08-25 - 2020-11-05 |
Everyone has 20/20 hindsight |
|
2015-07-23 - 2020-11-03 |
Persistence is the hard work that you do after you are tired of doing the hard work you already did |
|
2020-10-28 - 2020-10-29 |
Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine... |
|
2017-01-01 - 2020-10-27 |
A fool and his money are soon partying. |
|
2018-08-27 - 2020-10-25 |
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. |
|
2020-10-16 - 2020-10-20 |
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night |
|
2020-10-04 - 2020-10-16 |
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night /// CoronaVirus in Austria, Total Cases 48146 - Total Deaths 813 ... 10/04/2020 - Today : 714 New Cases - 4 New Deaths. |
|
2020-06-19 - 2020-10-04 |
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. |
|
2020-05-16 - 2020-06-19 |
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. |
|
2020-05-05 - 2020-05-16 |
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. |
|
2020-03-21 - 2020-05-05 |
*Thwap* |
|
2019-09-25 - 2020-03-21 |
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. |
|
2020-02-01 - 2020-02-11 |
Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. |
|
2019-12-08 - 2020-02-01 |
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. |
|
2019-11-19 - 2019-12-08 |
Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end. |
|
2019-09-12 - 2019-09-24 |
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. |
|
2019-09-06 - 2019-09-12 |
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda- |
|
2015-10-15 - 2019-09-06 |
In ten years will we still be on IRC? |
|
2016-11-11 - 2019-08-31 |
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. |
|
2019-02-07 - 2019-03-25 |
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. |
|
2018-10-01 - 2018-10-07 |
One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. |
|
2018-09-01 - 2018-09-03 |
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people! |
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2016-08-11 - 2018-08-25 |
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. |
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2018-08-21 - 2018-08-23 |
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. |
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2018-08-19 - 2018-08-21 |
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. |
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2016-11-01 - 2018-08-05 |
Work is for people who don't SURF THE NET |
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2016-10-15 - 2018-07-29 |
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. |
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2018-07-01 - 2018-07-03 |
That which does not kill me... makes me meaner! |
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2015-08-07 - 2018-06-25 |
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. |
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2015-12-13 - 2018-06-23 |
We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings. |
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2018-05-15 - 2018-05-25 |
Life's too short to argue, I'm ALWAYS right! |
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2018-05-09 - 2018-05-15 |
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. |
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2016-09-27 - 2018-05-07 |
Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts. |
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2018-04-23 - 2018-04-27 |
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. |
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2018-04-15 - 2018-04-23 |
A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor |
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2016-09-25 - 2018-04-13 |
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. |
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2017-01-05 - 2018-04-03 |
The reason some people are alive is simply because it's against the law to kill them. |
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2018-03-05 - 2018-03-09 |
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something. |
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2015-06-05 - 2018-03-05 |
You can't direct the wind but you can adjust your sails |
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2016-04-21 - 2018-03-03 |
The only evidence against evolution are its opponents. |
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2018-02-09 - 2018-02-11 |
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself." |
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2018-01-11 - 2018-01-23 |
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. |
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2016-03-21 - 2017-11-19 |
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I |
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2017-09-23 - 2017-11-13 |
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. |
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2017-11-05 - 2017-11-07 |
A hard thing about business is minding your own |
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2016-08-23 - 2017-10-15 |
System analysis is the process of finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw |
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2017-10-05 - 2017-10-07 |
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? |
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2016-06-23 - 2017-10-03 |
Feed your faith and doubt will starve to death |
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2017-09-19 - 2017-09-21 |
Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress. |
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2016-11-21 - 2017-09-19 |
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it! |
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2015-10-11 - 2017-08-19 |
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. |
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2017-08-09 - 2017-08-11 |
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. |
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2017-08-07 - 2017-08-09 |
Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong. |
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2014-12-23 - 2017-08-07 |
Not everything that can be counted counts; and not everything that counts can be counted." --A. Einstein |
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2015-06-21 - 2017-08-03 |
Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse. |
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2015-01-21 - 2017-07-13 |
The obvious is always least understood |
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2017-06-13 - 2017-06-17 |
Two wrongs are only the beginning. |
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2015-05-27 - 2017-05-27 |
Never trust a proctologist with both hands on your shoulders. |
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2017-05-15 - 2017-05-19 |
Normal is in the eye of the beholder. |
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2017-05-05 - 2017-05-07 |
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. |
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2017-05-05 (11:39:08 - 13:39:05) |
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. |
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2017-04-25 - 2017-04-27 |
I didn't do it. You can't prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying! |
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2017-04-21 - 2017-04-23 |
The computer revolution is over - the computers won! |
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2017-04-17 - 2017-04-21 |
There is no right way to do a wrong thing |
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2017-04-15 - 2017-04-17 |
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
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2017-03-17 - 2017-03-21 |
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. |
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2015-03-29 - 2017-03-17 |
Practice Safe Housing - Use Condos |
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2016-05-19 - 2017-03-15 |
Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to read? |
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2017-03-09 - 2017-03-11 |
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? |
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2017-02-23 - 2017-02-25 |
In a world of glamour, simple things will stand out. |
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2017-02-19 - 2017-02-21 |
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. |
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2017-02-15 - 2017-02-19 |
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. |
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2017-02-09 - 2017-02-11 |
Old hippies never die, They just go undercover. |
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2015-01-15 - 2017-02-07 |
Flirtation, attention without intention. |
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2016-09-11 - 2017-02-03 |
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is bad for you! |
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2017-01-25 - 2017-01-27 |
Never trust a dog to watch your food. |
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2017-01-23 - 2017-01-25 |
Better a bad smell for a moment, than a long belly-ache! |
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2017-01-21 - 2017-01-23 |
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? |
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2017-01-11 - 2017-01-15 |
Always proofread. You might have something out. |
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2015-03-15 - 2017-01-14 |
The best love affairs are those we never had. |
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2017-01-09 - 2017-01-11 |
Stay is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary. |
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2015-11-13 - 2017-01-09 |
A small leak can sink a great ship |
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2017-01-03 - 2017-01-05 |
A bad conscience has a very good memory |
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2016-12-29 - 2017-01-01 |
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? |
|
2016-12-23 - 2016-12-27 |
One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak. |
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2016-12-17 - 2016-12-19 |
Where there's a whip, there's a way |
|
2016-12-15 - 2016-12-17 |
Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself. |
|
2016-12-13 - 2016-12-15 |
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT - Can't remember why... |
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2016-12-11 - 2016-12-13 |
If the going gets easy you may be going downhill |
|
2016-12-09 - 2016-12-11 |
The greatest of all faults is to imagine you have none |
|
2016-11-19 - 2016-11-21 |
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest with a sharp knife. |
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2016-11-13 - 2016-11-17 |
You won't skid if you stay in a rut. |
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2015-01-17 - 2016-11-09 |
I wish a robot would be elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. |
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2015-01-19 - 2016-11-05 |
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. |
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2016-10-23 - 2016-10-25 |
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. |
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2016-10-09 - 2016-10-11 |
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through... |
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2015-04-29 - 2016-10-05 |
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. |
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2016-09-29 - 2016-10-01 |
An atheistic, dyslexic, insomniac is a guy who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG. |
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2015-01-13 - 2016-09-17 |
My kid sells term papers to your honor student |
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2016-09-09 - 2016-09-11 |
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. |
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2016-08-17 - 2016-09-09 |
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. |
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2016-08-25 - 2016-08-29 |
Birds have bills too, and they keep on singing |
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2016-08-19 - 2016-08-21 |
Is life real or a dream? or both? |
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2016-08-13 - 2016-08-15 |
A man's best friends are his ten fingers. |
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2016-07-25 - 2016-08-03 |
Learn from your parents' mistakes, USE BIRTH CONTROL |
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2016-07-09 - 2016-07-17 |
A Journey of 1,000 miles begins with a call to your auto club. |
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2016-07-05 - 2016-07-07 |
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. |
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2016-06-25 - 2016-07-03 |
Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. |
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2015-01-01 - 2016-06-21 |
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. |
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2016-05-01 - 2016-05-13 |
Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image |
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2016-04-15 - 2016-04-21 |
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. |
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2015-10-05 - 2016-04-15 |
He who hesitates is probably right. |
|
2016-04-09 - 2016-04-11 |
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. |
|
2016-04-07 - 2016-04-09 |
Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while. |
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2016-03-23 - 2016-03-25 |
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. |
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2016-03-15 - 2016-03-19 |
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. |
|
2016-03-11 - 2016-03-15 |
He who dies with the most toys, still dies. |
|
2016-02-19 - 2016-03-10 |
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. |
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2016-01-07 - 2016-01-31 |
A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks |
|
2016-01-17 - 2016-01-21 |
There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't. |
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2015-01-11 - 2015-12-29 |
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers? |
|
2015-12-03 - 2015-12-07 |
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. |
|
2015-11-29 - 2015-12-03 |
A job worth doing is worth obsessing over. |
|
2015-10-29 - 2015-11-01 |
Computers are Sexual beings!! They'll screw you every time!! |
|
2015-10-19 - 2015-10-21 |
Heaviest thing to carry - a grudge |
|
2015-04-07 - 2015-09-27 |
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it |
|
2015-09-17 - 2015-09-19 |
It's obvious you won't survive by your wits alone. |
|
2014-12-25 - 2015-09-17 |
Too err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer. |
|
2015-08-29 - 2015-09-15 |
You'll see it when you believe it. |
|
2015-08-27 - 2015-08-29 |
Success is...more attitude than aptitude |
|
2015-08-13 - 2015-08-21 |
He who is not busy being born is busy dying. |
|
2015-08-05 - 2015-08-07 |
To love is human, to hate, is being less than an animal. |
|
2015-08-01 - 2015-08-05 |
If we can put a man on the moon, why not all of them? |
|
2015-07-29 - 2015-08-01 |
A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of java and a good book. Ah paradise! |
|
2015-07-21 - 2015-07-23 |
Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze. |
|
2015-07-15 - 2015-07-19 |
Lost time is never found again |
|
2015-07-13 - 2015-07-15 |
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said: The whole time. |
|
2015-07-05 - 2015-07-07 |
The thought of heaven couldn't drag me from the path when I'm wandering here alone. |
|
2015-05-17 - 2015-05-21 |
From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. |
|
2015-05-09 - 2015-05-17 |
Ambition is an excuse for not haven enough sense to be lazy. |
|
2015-04-13 - 2015-04-15 |
The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a life time |
|
2015-03-27 - 2015-03-29 |
Support the Math Illiteracy Tax - Buy Lottery Tickets |
|
2015-03-25 - 2015-03-27 |
To appreciate nature, is to believe in the miracle of Creation. |
|
2015-01-29 - 2015-02-17 |
I yell because I care. |
|
2015-01-07 - 2015-01-11 |
Sometimes I think well. And sometimes I think: Oh well... |
|
2014-12-27 - 2015-01-01 |
The meek shall inherit the Earth. The rest of us are going to the stars! |